Breaking Free

The degree to which I have broken free is incredible. I have had a most wonderful, in my own mind, more than a week here.

I do indeed continue to go through grief of my own personal loss but this last week was almost joyous. Not really for any particular reason but simply because I felt so good. The air so clean, the sky so blue, every moment something to be treasured. It was a glimpse of a possible light at the end of this very long, dark tunnel. In many regards, I have taken my deconversion in faith. Again, I didn't get here through any sort of positive or negative emotional or social influences. It was purely intellectual (as far as I can tell in self-honesty). I accepted my loss and lost my belief in belief for belief, in well, nothing. Scary. Almost of leap of faith. But a leap of faith putting that "faith" in my own mind, my own ability to think, my own ability to reason, in my own character, and in myself. I have crossed a mental and emotional chasm and am having a first stable foothold on the other side. I have crossed a chasm that few get to cross. Those of you who have started from a secular up bringing or a more liberal or less intense theistic worldview haven't had to cross a chasm not so wide, but also, you haven't gotten to cross a chasm so wide. This last week I was able to feel some of the empowering benefits of such an experience. If you saw me this week, I was the one with the pointless grin on my face.

And while I relish this experience in the moment, I know that the tide ebbs and flows. And that I will continue to have good days and bad days as I work through this. But now, I simply have a bit more reason for a hope. Not so much related to my wife, my family, and my environment. But for me.

It is good to be set free.